i <3 the elliot project.

i get to see the elliot project..

tonite.

happiness consumes me.

( trippin' )

ehh. so it was a long weekend.
friday was consumed with ridiculous drama. i left so i could take care of my own business. went down to the hollywood, stopped to get boba on the way home. well, i was there a while. locking my keys in my car is a hobby of mine. i made it to town later and kicked it with britt. then went home to bed.

saturday i was up super early, 5:30 qualifies as super early to me. anyways, kimchi and i went down to irvine. snuck into weenie roast. we hiked for a few miles, climbed barbed wire fences, jumped streams and hid from men in carts in old abandon stations. it was a mother fucking adventure. lots of fun, excruciating.. the terran consisted mostly of pricker bushes that were taller than i. hopped the fence to the show, met up with some security douche. it was a shame.. the escorting security boy would have let me stay, he gave me his soda and told me when to come back. i guess it would have been fun if i wasn't going to be arrested if i did.
it was a long morning/afternoon. we were back in the valley early evening. i showered and went to jacque's.. we dined. gina, jason and the baby came over. a little 70s show table action. i was tired.. i had to go home and sleep.

sunday i slept in all morning.. woke up at 2:30 and returned calls. michael gets confused early in the morning, kimberly lost her phone in the last 100 yds. of our adventure on saturday.. so she was out replacing that.. and emily was at her house with my sunglasses and a bbq for her church. i went over to kick it with her.. got to see addie and glen.. and all the other behms. it was enjoyable. emmit and i went over to michael's and then back to her casa. a little grub, then we peaced out and went to the shank's.. the whole krew was there. it was mellow, yellow. we went to coffee bean, my tongue is still burnt from last night. there was a break-up occurring a little bit away from us. it was addicting to watch.
went to sadring, then to kimchi's. hung out in her room for a little, then got to see yoni, joshua and robbie.. i wassssss sooooo happpppyy. i missed yonatan soo much.
i didn't like the girls they were rolling with. but that could be because two of them had red hair.. and were dumb. meh. either way i got to see my homies. heh.

i also got the line-up for street scene txt'd to me last night when it was announced.. i'm soo excited.  the killers, pixies, white stripes, social d, snoop dogg, 311, black eyed peas, garbage, the used, flaminlips, method man, unwritten law, flogging molly, dashboard, death cab, kasabian, hot hot heat, rise against, louis xiv, the adolescents, the (international) noise conspiracy, von bondies.. and more that i don't care to list.

only two weeks until i fly out for bonnaroo... excitement!

bah. people frustrate me a whole lot. it makes me want to scream, loud.

i hate forced friendships. i hate having to force friendships.. somethings can't be avoided right now though.

i dispise distance, now more than ever. it's been over a year. i've failed to find more than a handful of people with substance... that's not a good sign, considering the number of people i've spent time with.
i love meeting new people, because.. i get to meet new people. new friends are fun, when they are real.. i miss my friends... the people who make life worth it. giving you hope that not everyone lacks.

i hate meeting new people because they put on a show, trying to gain your intrest.
i really don't understand the reasoning behind such a thing. if you do appeal to someone, it isn't real.. you'll fall back into your old routine eventually. it's excused as human habbit, striving to reach standards to please strangers, only to be accepted. it's sick. i'm sick of it. why does everyone still advocate such a lifestyle?!
what is holding them back from seeing how shit works? you can't live your life in a little bubble, pretending that life will be alright because it has been so far isn't going to hold true for much longer.

i don't understand why people can't be straight forward and honest. you are responsible for your own actions and what you say, as well as what you don't say or do. i will judge you on that.. sorry. i don't hold grudges, don't worry.. but i don't forget either. everything you do defines who you are. and i judge you on that, who you are as a person and the standards you have for yourself..

also, i'm not fucking stupid. i can handle life.
you don't need to sugar coat things for me.. or omit information from me so i don't get upset. odds are, i won't. but if you pretend and act like things are more than chill, i'm going to assume that is the way things are. there is no need to pretend to savor the moment. whatever. treat me with respect, bitches.

just when you start to smile i look into your eyes and see your veiled denial, to express any real emotion.. just wait around a while you'll lose what you once had for me, i'll be out of style i'll be discarded with the warmth you once feigned.

this is stupid. venting won't solve anything. i can't change anyone else and nobody else can change me, so i utalize livejournal when i have angst and emo bottled up. the world is just fucked a bit.. and i am sick of people who avoid things rather than end them.
don't leave me in the dark, cause if you fucking warn me.. i'll bring a flashlight. ha.

wow. not going to bed until two in the morning catchs up with you after two consecutive nights.. but it really kicks your ass when you get up at six-twenty just for fun. heh.. i have already hung out with my bf this morning, drugged the pets and was responsible.. go me.

( )()()()()()( )

michael called early.. wayyy early. i didn't think it was real until he called me back ten minutes later.. i knew i wouldn't stay awake on my own, heh. so yeah. went to visit the nieghborhood on a lovely tuesday morning. the most fun i've had ever before seven, i must admit.

went out to hali's tonite.. i utalized the stove before hand. spaghetti was delicious.. hali had tastie beverages. though, i was occupied with the advertisement of boba in the king's burgers window before anything else. we ventured over and waited forever. there were 8 options, i could only have three options, which really ended up being one, luck was my friend and made it watermelon.

( <3 )

fun times and television consumed most of the evening, i failed to make it back in time to see michael. when you have to get up at six in the morning, i don't understand why there is confusion on why you should go to bed instead of hang out with me.. gee.. i guess it's cause i'm that cool. ha. there's [adult swim] action going on without me.. and that can't happen.

piece the oppostie of in.

friday was hott. after work, britt and i went down to the store.. very worth-while. afterwards we ended up kick-k-k-ing it at her house for a short while. then we ventured off to a party. it was enjoyable..
it wasn't in simi, just as jaz had promised. if i had a backyard that big i'd play tag all the time, sigh.
boys who send drunken text messages are creepy. i guess when you tell them it's creepy, they just think you must be playing hard to get.. cause sadly.. now i'm disgusted. and, no, pretending it was your friend the next day doesn't work out either.

saturday i went down to hollywood, west side.. what? i went and complained at the store.. but i'm too nice.. and my complaining only led to me realizing i was hungry and purchasing banana bread. dammit.. it's not like was going to boycott or anything though, that'd just be ridiculous.
justin came and picked me up, then we kicked it and ate down on melrose. i guess if i had it my way, i wouldn't have been explaining o.g to the kid if i had known that the chair that was touching the back of mine was filled with a cop.. and his co-worker. meh.. not like it mattered.. i just don't like the men in blue..
afterwards we did some shopping, minus money spending. it was fun. a little fun mixed in with a drunken phone call.. a bit of the game, 'let's find the car' went well.. i would have won if i really cared.. even if i was competing with >cool.
decided to go down to anaheim spur of the moment.. got to kick it with kimchi over night. that was.. umm, fun. hah.

sunday we went down to hunnington. that was pretty.. pretty fucking full of cars. traffic was a bizzatch.
we made it over to long beach to check out em's new place. it's sexi.
excitement of having your own room for the first time ever is fun to watch.. having a roof to kick it on is even better.. the harbor is on one side, the bay on the other.. it's pretty. kimchi and i walked for a while waiting for em and tad to get back with her bed. then we helped assemble and move things in.. well, i guess tad really did the assembling, of everything.
we decided to have a bbq after all of that.. so we went to purchase a grill.. and things to grill.
justin came down.. it was alot of fun. being with my friends is nothing but happiness...
well. i would have thought so at least.. until i got a phone call from britt. apparently davey havok was at the mother fucking dragon fly and i fucking missed it. we could pretend that i didn't react in a manner that made em and justin think that someone had died, but they did.. and it was me. my insides withered and decayed before i could even pretend that i didn't hear what i had. oi.
ended up peace-ing out relatively late... it wasn't the 3 o'clock i had planned leaving by.. it was more than worth it, no doubt.

monday ..you might think that in the a.m that there isn't anything to write about.. but oh, there is. ha.
ryan messaged me, updates on things that never changes seem to be the default conversation.
my beloved nagerson is feeling feelings i know all too well.. and that sucks. but i love that girl forever.
michael, ha.. i love michael. that's all need to say to summarize things right now.
there is more, but you don't need to know.

( this secret ninja )

monday was swell. there was a bit of longboard action, some swim swim, dinner, cake and presents. then of course early bedtime, i believe i was asleep by ten fifteen or so. i woke up to my cell phone and was pleased to see it was blake.. oi. i don't recall our conversation much because i was sleeping, though i'm pretty sure i caught all the important parts.

tuesday was enjoyable.. a bit monotonous but enjoyable.
britt came over in the afternoon and brought me a cookie, yumm. then we went swimming for a few hours with dakota. high action battles and underwater messages were more than entertaining. some rack-o ended the evening of fun. i didn't go to bed until at least midnite or a little after. phone calls about the first day of friendships are worth the forced insomnia.

next week i'm going to see jimmy eat world and taking back sunday. happiness will consume me, that and maybe a little drinkie drinkie.. heh. concerts are fun, i do fancy beating the shit out of dumb girls.. sigh. alright, being grounded makes for a dull life i guess. though michael makes me happy and sends me fantabulous pictures to get me by.

yesterday was a bit of nothing exciting. i was pretty productive and got to see some stuart action on television, that made me happae'. britt stopped over... a little rack-o action went down. plans for the weekend seem like potential for fun.

today was a rainy day. lacked some jack johnson in my life, for the better i'm sure. talked to michael for a freakin' hour on the phone.. excluding the first half of the converstation before i was interupted. oi.. stupid people frustrate me. michael makes it better though, it all makes me appreciate my friends just a little more, assuming that's possible..

this weekend was fine, slightly enjoyable - large emphasis on slightly.
it was a weekend of fun vacation, mixed with a weekend of exactly the opposite.. i can't really have a strong opinion on it at all. thankfully i got to talk to liza on sunday. it was what i needed, especially considering my surroundings.
it took me twenty minutes to find the store in santa barbra, only to realize it was somewhere i should have been avoiding rather than searching out. and i doubt it really qualified as a 'store' anyways.. more like a hippie struggling to keep it real with old biker men. ick. i was creeped out and un-impressed.
britt came with me down to l.a last night on the way through, i'm happy..lonely rides are no fun. greg treats me well and give me gas - and is either amused or oblivious when a boy is all up on my shit, silly gangstas...
oi. soo much is going on right now.. i don't know if i'm going to be able to handle it. maybe i'll just take some medicine and try and figure it all out tonite. arrrrg.. i feel like i just want to be secluded and disappear from it all, hoping that this time when i re-surface, it'll all be gone. though knowing the odds of that aren't too high, i'd opt for just being able to sit in a room and scream for a while. and maybe i'll just get realistic about it all and spend some time with michael, maybe demand a raincheck for the 2 a.m call i got friday.
i have to work again, something that sounds soo forgein to me. and by work, i mean do what i get paid to do. so, no problems really.
i hate being a girl, i hate wanting the feeling of having someone want me. i have that need met.. and still not sure how i feel about it quite right now. the longer i keep it going the longer it's going to take me to realize that it's not what i wanted anyhow, dammit. i'm sick of this shit called life.. it's not pleasant. i need a break from it all, sadly it was the break from it all that caused me to need a break from it all.

death ends a life, not a relationship

the past few weeks have been a busy blurr. i've never put so much faith into yahoo horoscopes before.. heh.
the weekends keep getting better. today i purchased the mars volta tickets.. happiness. i might be poor now but i'm poor and happy.
my job keeps getting better and better.. crazy status.
josh cut his hair.. as did robbie. that looks nice. we went and kicked it down in burbank with those boys for the night. greg had fun with them.. which was pure amusement for me and a little for the girls. and i don't think that skinny boys and hotel room windows that open like doors are a good combination when you're on the 16th floor.
saturday we went down to kick it at anthony's place.. an emo gathering was what it really seemed to be.
yesterday i saw michael for the first time in a few weeks. gasp. news and drama reports are entertaining.
sitting in the spot was an experience.
britt, sarah and i went to applebee's for food. we went climbing up hills later that night after visiting hali. it proved for a good evening. we sat at jacque's after and took full advantage of public access television.
as for today.. it's been grand. conversations on the phone with boys who make me laugh are a good way to start the day.. as for now i'm going to peace like a mother fucking rockstar, bitch.

i believe in memories, they look so pretty when I sleep
and when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me
but there is not enough time
and there is no song i could sing
and there is no combination of words i could say
but i will still tell you one thing..
we're better together.

what is forever? in this blur of a world, few find the solace that breaches the soul’s boundaries and causes one to see beyond the torrid happenings of modern life. we are inundated with information and imagery that confuse our most basic desire to find something greater within and outside ourselves. we are fed with ideas promising happiness only achieved via mass consumption. we are coaxed into a state of normalcy and confined to a box and an existence in which we struggle to find the means to survive hysically while our heart; that which makes us unique, lies dying and neglected in some forgotten place… so we search.

( beat your drum  )

and it's times like these when silence means everything...

because as the days go on, self-control sets in. i hate boys. i hate that boy. i hate stupid people. i hate stupid boys. i hate liars. i hate boys that lie straight to my face. i hate this day and i hate you.

well.. only if you're a stupid, lame-ass, lying douche.